Wednesday, July 14, 2010

A Pregnant Pause

We have come to our last week in Scotland. My emotions are mixed. Going home (home!) means full weight of responsibility, reality--the reality of a child--the end of the nurturing bubble of the university. Going back to Kansas City means going back to my own childhood, haunts and heavens, false memories and hidden memories.

Tonight in Anstruther it is raining, the flat is nearly empty, the last meal has been cooked and eaten. We have said goodbye to our friends, our favorite places. Strange--leaving, arriving.

This past month has been slow: slow writing, slow thinking, slow moving body. The seasonal warmth has come slowly to Fife. Summer is tentative--chill winds, fast moving clouds, roses as big as plates, gone in a day in the sea air. Heat comes slowly, if at all. I am slow in all things, have a difficult time being present, committing to the days as they pass. I am slow to wake up in the morning. Slower to fall asleep. I worry about the future. I don't even know what things I should worry about (as a parent) so my worry is spread thinly over everything, seeping into strange crevices. Peace. Peace. I learn peace slowly.

Lord carry me. Show me your days.


  1. Sarah,

    You look so cute! I hope these last weeks you do find some peace! As a parent you will always worry, so get used to that...but remember that life has a way of working itself in God! I love the way you write, I've never read any thing you've written before, but even this blog is just so articulate and profoundly written (even if that wasn't your intention). I hope all goes well for you, Devin, and Baby Winter. You are all in my thoughts and of luck!

    Love, Alana

  2. Alana--Thanks so much for the encouragement!

    Babette--I accidentally deleted your lovely comment...arg! And I am not tech savvy enough to restore it. (growl)